Monday, July 9, 2012

Life After Graduation

If all goes well, then I will be graduating end of the year. What would be the next step? I dunno.. But no matter how much I try and convince myself to do well and etc. How some people tell me that they c me working in large companies and things like that but really...

I have no idea how I'm even gonna work. These 3 years of studying mostly programming and so on.. Until now, my programming is still sucky and weak. I've tried on designing websites and programming an app.. After awhile it either dies off... Or look superly basic and noobish. Urgh..... What am i gonna do..

And as any child in the family, we just wanna show our parents that we are doing our best. That life for us is gonna be a breeze.. ishifdsuhfdksbuysdbfjhdsgdshgudsyfgydsugfuysdg... This is all I can say. Aih aih aih~!

After that another question still stands.. Will my future be in Aussie? Or Malaysia? Furthermore... How bout him?... Still being human, how I wish I could c God's plans for me.

Although its not often that I come here and type anymore but at times like this when I really have no clue, it serves as a wonderful place for me to let everything out.

Is this the right step? Am I making the right decision? Why I can still question this?.... I can only say cause he is sooo different from the rest of the guys I've dated. And... I dunno. If I knew he was still in one even though he said its not gonna work out anymore, and still I saw all the happy pictures and dates, would I have still accepted him?

My heart is just heavy... Thinking.. Is it just his job to put me at ease? Or shud I play a part in making myself feel at ease too? Although he would compare with the other guys I've dated... And we agreed on not talking bout our exs/ex-admirers... Is it easy to let go of someone's past of ex-admirers than it is to let go of someone's past of exs? Or is it the same? I am happy with the future and present... But.... Just so so depressed and haunted with the past. And sometimes when I tot I'm thinking too much. Someone will tell me I'm not cause they feel anger on my behalf just hearing it. Yet... How can I say they are rite? Could they b angry cz they see me frustrated? Or r they genuinely angry coz it should be angry? He doesnt really seem to c it of something to b angry of, and his frens could b saying he is right.

If we wanna say wat does the heart say? Its still in the end based on feelings for this isnt it?

Although I dun wanna admit that it will be hard to get over and get on with life. Probably even harder for me to find another bf than he find a gf IF we happen to break... Bt I just dun wanna think bout it... Cz somehw almost everyone around me seem to think of it.. Hw can u face someone u shared a part of ur life with, while ur current partner is at ur side? I just dun get how people does it... Can u really bury all the painful and happy memories?

Its kinda sad cz if they say yes it will b easy to bury all the exs memories.. But when u bcome one of them... Haha... U will b part of the burying too..


Is Love Really Blind?

Probably a stupid thing to think now but sometimes with everyone asking me consistently and for the close friends who know the story, I myself cant answer why I accepted.

Some tell me I'm a fool for still believing or continuing the relationship. Some tells me they have no idea how I could still accept him for the things he's done. Unfortunate I guess for guys that it sometimes/most times seem like the girl is right.

Then not only that, both of us being from two different worlds or beliefs. Do you think this won't be a challenge? And why does he/i want to make his life so painful as my life has so much more restrictions compared to his?..

Being a Christian and he a pre-believer, its not easy or common to find a couple like this and happy yet the Christian is steady in his/her walk of faith. I want to share and ask how to approach this. Asking God on an answer for this is so hard as it seems like everyone has a feeling in this.. And how would I know if what they share is really from God and nt their feelings? The oni answer so far I can come up for that is time.


Saturday, May 19, 2012

A Proper Kitchen

Somehow I really really miss my kitchen at home. REAL Home! EACH and Everytime I feel like I wanna experiment or do something special or don't just do a simple dish, I look around and see that there will be one or 2 equipment I don't have. And mostly? Its an oven. Aih..

How I miss making my cupcakes. I don't have the muffin tray here, n oven made it look like cakes.

How I miss baking and making desserts. I don't have pots and pans of different sizes. I don't have a rolling pin or food weigher.

How I miss making juices/smoothies/shakes. I don't have a blender.

How I miss making roasted food. I don't have a proper oven.

I would go on but its time to sleep. Oh how I miss these things. And looking through recipes make me feel all the more.. limited. Aih... Wat to do wat to do?


I Want An Oven!!!

Blah blah blah~ So things recently has been going quite upsie downsie. Then again, should have expected things to be like that especially with our different views and so on. But overcoming it makes it seem/feel like we've grown closer, or theres more problems ahead. But enough of that for now..

I WANT AN OVEN!!! How long does it take to roast 4 simple small potatoes??? 30min max?? Right? Right? Ugh!! And just when I thought this microwave oven is doing ok as a temporary/fan-forced oven... It totally ruined my brunch!! A meal which should take less than an hour to prepare, by right 30mins. Guess how long it took me just to get the potatoes ready? Just the potatoes..

Almost 2 HOURS!!! Then had to wait for chicken (2 and a half chicken breast) for another 45min. How ridiculous can that be????!!!! And you know how putting honey to get a golden crisp at the top of the chicken? Well this turned out slight yellow and that was it!! *hands showing "unbelievable"*

Ugh... No mood to roast anything in there anymore. I mean its great and faster that mom got me a pressure cooker. But I realized.. Its a lot more to wash and harder too! Considering that Aussie's basins are terribly/sadly SMALL. Normally you could wash  a pot without having to bump into the tap, but here is like u must carefully turn the pot to wash as to not bump into the tap. Aih...


Sunday, May 6, 2012

Can I still hold my subtitle high? Even with the way I am?

Emotional, I am.

Through hurts I gave in.

I let myself get stepped on.

"Its not worth it" I told myself.

I drank myself drunk in tears.

Lord I know I gone far.

Lord I know I led myself astray.

To the curiosity I fell into.

To the words of man, I wanted to trust.

And though I told myself,

never again will I only look to You when I'm down.

But still right now,

After all these years,

I still cause you pain.

I still let you down.

Can I still say I'm sorry?


The Truth

Not knowing the truth, how wonderful life could be. Only to find that it was all but a dream.
I believe in your words, trust that you are not like them.
But looks like by accident I stumbled onto something I wished I never read.

Its always like this but this time through arguments. My heart cries out not wanting to believe in them.
I really don't wanna regret this. I really don't want it any lower than this..

Its not me.. Your heart breaks for her, your heart remembers her.. Its not me..
You been searching for her, through girls that are like her.. But they aren't her, are they..
I'm not her, am i.. Ask Suki? Ask your friends? How many more of your stories can I believe?

You were hurt when you saw? You were down in the pits when she broke your heart.
You tore everything in your path to show of your anger and frustration. And me?
I was just a small tiny part during that life, which boiled you but not enough..

Hah... Googie googie? What sweet love you still give, the attention you still pass...
Even when theres a "I miss you"...

Relationship what not.. To try here and there, why not?
As long as at the end of the day you get what you want, is that not?.......


I should stop listening to the Phantom of the Opera =/