Friend but not a friend

I'm not sure why I bother feeling hurt everytime she does this seriously. Its not just once but dunno how many times d. Partly I joined societies and clubs, ESPECIALLY sports. Being in a place where I'm not around her sometimes makes me feel free to be who I am without feeling confined. Not that I am being controlled by her but just sometimes I felt like she wanted us to be close frens yet I dunno... It seems more like effort to keep it together is me?

I mean, introducing her to new things and encouraging her to try out for experience. Or just calling her to join coz I know it would be gud for future.. Like.. Sometimes I feel like slapping myself. Why Am I Being So Nice To Her For??? Recalling every situation, sometimes she cares if she realize that I am prep for it. Or if she really feel like she need it thn ask me to accompany her. Like..

Whats partly infuriating probably to me is that, I am probably too naive to think that some people would think that friends means ensuring each others benefits/life is stable. But she.. Seriously? I have no words for her. Its like she is in her freaking own world. I dunno if this a test from God or wat but.. my goodness... I just feel like dumping her alone. I feel like i am used and some companion/informatic for her only when she needs it.

So far I cant really recall anything that she actually shared. Most of her friends its nt like she intro them to me until I met them after awhile and both of us bump into them and she realize i met them -.-. Like... SERIOUSLY?????????

Any word to describe the word I am placing on her now? Selfish. Sure I am sounding super harsh and maybe forgetting to even look at myself right now but.. Ish!! Last time I would be sadden n troubled knowing she felt hurt everytime I say like this/scold her or just argue with her. But now.. I am SOOO tempted to drop her like she keep expecting me to whn we argue.

Sigh.. Somehw someone just reminded me that God forgive us more than we hav forgiven others. So looks like I gotta just pray more..

ReiRei