Pillar and Weight

Been just going through some things. Sometimes I don't know if its just my mind playing with me or I'm just too oblivious. I can confirm that right now, I feel I'm supporting many. How the Lord do it I don't know. I'm glad some ppl call me older sister even though they are older. Sometimes I also wonder where I can find my own older sibling. I guess I have but they are over the seas XD.

As for my partner, I guess I still have not realize or seen him yet. So far most of the guys as I past one by one, each has a weight they carry and hoping someone they can lean on. I too wanna chuck my weight somewhr =P!! But I'm glad/honoured the Lord uses me to remind them to lean upon Him and that its oni His approval we need to strive for.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. - Galatians 1:10"

Still oh still, there are so many times now where I just feel like dropping everything and go with the wind. Like just doing what I want.

Time is actually a lot. And I realize if I did not serve, I could have been doing a lot more other things. Good and bad I guess XD. But no how, like the above. Like the verse said, I only need to please God. Not myself or anyone else.

Sigh.. Thnx to winter I got super flabby arms now. ISH!! Really gotta figure a way to slim them down -.-". So disproportional to my other body parts ><. Must figure a way or cannot wear spaghetti straps in summer!! Faint in heat!!!

Rach

Time Management

Serving the Lord is awesome. Yet sometimes I tend to forget that I am still a student. Sigh, part of me wanna quickly graduate and go missionary or something. However I also wanna enjoy being a student n doing wat I can do now as a student or even as a UNI student. I mean, its fun~! U get to travel n etc. I slowly starting to realize the freedom and things I could do without my parents here. The choices I have been given while I am alone.

Can I really do what I enjoy yet keep my grades up?

ReiRei

Being Picky / Somehow Knowing

Is it normal to find someone only after you graduate? Or to start having a serious relationship only when you graduate? Hm.. I'm really content and happy being single. It allows me to roam free, to be and talk with anyone I like. To do anything according to my time. However, laughable as it may be, I dun wanna marry late ><.

What am I thinking.. I'm still young but just thinking bout mom getting married at 24.. I dun wanna to be married after 27 ler ><. I wonder if thts the plan God has for me >
Some ppl are asking me to just go with whoever ask me now just to get experience of what being in a relationship but i really wonder..I wan a relationship i do, but i dun wan a one nite stand or one month or one year stand. Will this really be possible?

Is thr someone out there which doesnt expect me to be the dependable one? But actually willing and wanting to share the weight together? So tired of guys that just look at me as if I can carry my own and their weight.

Rach

Friend but not a friend

I'm not sure why I bother feeling hurt everytime she does this seriously. Its not just once but dunno how many times d. Partly I joined societies and clubs, ESPECIALLY sports. Being in a place where I'm not around her sometimes makes me feel free to be who I am without feeling confined. Not that I am being controlled by her but just sometimes I felt like she wanted us to be close frens yet I dunno... It seems more like effort to keep it together is me?

I mean, introducing her to new things and encouraging her to try out for experience. Or just calling her to join coz I know it would be gud for future.. Like.. Sometimes I feel like slapping myself. Why Am I Being So Nice To Her For??? Recalling every situation, sometimes she cares if she realize that I am prep for it. Or if she really feel like she need it thn ask me to accompany her. Like..

Whats partly infuriating probably to me is that, I am probably too naive to think that some people would think that friends means ensuring each others benefits/life is stable. But she.. Seriously? I have no words for her. Its like she is in her freaking own world. I dunno if this a test from God or wat but.. my goodness... I just feel like dumping her alone. I feel like i am used and some companion/informatic for her only when she needs it.

So far I cant really recall anything that she actually shared. Most of her friends its nt like she intro them to me until I met them after awhile and both of us bump into them and she realize i met them -.-. Like... SERIOUSLY?????????

Any word to describe the word I am placing on her now? Selfish. Sure I am sounding super harsh and maybe forgetting to even look at myself right now but.. Ish!! Last time I would be sadden n troubled knowing she felt hurt everytime I say like this/scold her or just argue with her. But now.. I am SOOO tempted to drop her like she keep expecting me to whn we argue.

Sigh.. Somehw someone just reminded me that God forgive us more than we hav forgiven others. So looks like I gotta just pray more..

ReiRei

Trusting by Faith

I remember I used to alwyz tell the Lord or my pastors that asking me to sacrifice myself or anything except family I can do. Where the hardest thing for me to do would without a doubt be sacrificing my own parents or siblings, Abraham and Isaac. Well, so far in my mind that was my thought. I also use to think that if someone was to put a gun at my head or similar situation, I would no doubt take the shot or sacrifice myself for my family instead of denying God or Christ.

This semester even as I begin my journey, I realized 2 things. I can say all I want but in reality, I myself am not sure how i'll take it if the situation arises. I know that I wont be able to deny God but.. am I really not scared to die? I really question myself.

I guess God has finally shown me that I really DO need to entrust EVERYTHING to Him. Now that I am away from my family, I'm not sure why I don't see it like most students do? For me, I tend to worry sometimes like what happens if something happened and my parents or siblings needed help? Or they were in danger and I am too far away? The feeling of helpless-ness.. I believe God is telling me, this is a period of Faith. To have Faith that God is control of every situation my parents and siblings are in. I remember at the beginning of last sem when my parents left for the second time, I couldnt bear thinking I would be so far away from them and suddenly thinking of situations of friend's elder sibling or friends' friends feeling as some of them lost their parents or whole family.. And how were they able to take it? I thought to myself, I probably go crazy and ballistic. Or depression beyond measures.

But then God showed me, many missionaries had to entrust to God their love relationships, family relationships and etc to God even as they go and do what could probably put them in danger. How are the parents or their love ones feeling? How were they able to be calm and patient although they were sad?

I believe its the FULL trust they had in God. Where God always has a reason for somethings to happen. And as long as we follow His commands, He will see us through till we finish our purpose given to us by our Creator.

Again and again I am feeling and thinking now like.. As amazing as it sounds to be part of God's movement, its sometimes unfair for those that lose their love ones. Its sad to see the righteous get shot down because ppl feel intimidated. Its confusing sometimes knowing actually you have a chance to live a life just caring bout urself and drowning in ur own pleasures instead of caring for others and laying ur life for ur brothers as Christ has lay His life for us.

Maybe I'm hallucinating or something but sometimes I feel like I'm in a strange dimension, that something supernatural is about to happen. That everything I see around me now is gonna disappear or vaporize into thin air any minute. But its still there, yet I feel there is something urgent I need to realize. What is it? I'm only a casual student studying and hoping to get a proper job with good pay in the future and have a loving family and maybe if possible create this huge mansion for my family, my parents, my siblings' family all to live in together. Hm.. Haha!!

But yea.. this Friday, I prob see things different from many ppl. Or prob doesnt know/understand as much as some ppl. I dunno how, I'm scared, I'm speechless, my mind is blank.. Yet Lord.. What do You want me to do?

ReiRei

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. - Hebrews 11:1

Discovering Myself

Who am I? A girl that just studies and go back and forth between her home and uni is so not the Rachel I know lor. Now that I think about it.. That girl who is just so studios, non-socialable and work focus only.. Thats not me, is it?

I guess its a good thing that Rachel wanna grow independent, try to minimize as much spending as she can. Try to achieve the best of the best in her results. This may probably not be the best time to test this out but.. Some part of me just feel like letting go. Just do everything I can now, knowing that after I start working, I probably wont have a better chance to do it anymore.

I guess here is where I learn "how much is too much"? Knowing to spend but not over spending, socializing n having fun yet coping with exams, assignment and classes. Can I do it? Can I do all I wanna do yet maintain or pass my subjects XD?

However, even as I wanna enjoy life to the fullest and not just study and not experience what students life is all about, I know God warns me bout enjoying too much =). I heed the warning my parents use to tell me that I may/am not smart like some genius whr they play all day yet score HD/full marks at the end of the sem, therefore should cut down on activities. And I agree cause according to God's Word, fun is needed and given, but we should not over do it.

"To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. - Ecclesiastes 2:26"

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. - John 10:10"

How more evident do I need to show how much the Lord is willing to provide you everything you need? Blessed is he who pleases the Lord.

What is about to be shown next, although is long, I think its very applicable to my current situation. I was surprise and felt a great relief when I saw the title somehow XD.

Remember Your Creator While Young - Ecclesiastes 11:7-10

⁷ Light is sweet,
and it pleases the eyes to see the sun.
⁸ However many years a man may live,
let him enjoy them all.
But let him remember the days of darkness,
for they will be many.
Everything to come is meaningless.

⁹ Be happy, young man, while you are young,
and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth.
Follow the ways of your heart
and whatever your eyes see,
but know that for all these things
God will bring you to judgment.
¹⁰ So then, banish anxiety from your heart
and cast off the troubles of your body,
for youth and vigor are meaningless.

Nothing more I can say with this =). Harsh as it probably sound, but I know God just wants to make sure we are safe rather than drunk and blur and being an easy prey for the devil.

So conclusion? Rachel is not a couch potato neither can she be a plain studious person. That is just a dead corpse Rachel if she does that. Seeing my past life, I just have too much drama and excitement and heart breaks (lol?) to be dead ;)

ReiRei