Life After Graduation

If all goes well, then I will be graduating end of the year. What would be the next step? I dunno.. But no matter how much I try and convince myself to do well and etc. How some people tell me that they c me working in large companies and things like that but really...

I have no idea how I'm even gonna work. These 3 years of studying mostly programming and so on.. Until now, my programming is still sucky and weak. I've tried on designing websites and programming an app.. After awhile it either dies off... Or look superly basic and noobish. Urgh..... What am i gonna do..

And as any child in the family, we just wanna show our parents that we are doing our best. That life for us is gonna be a breeze.. ishifdsuhfdksbuysdbfjhdsgdshgudsyfgydsugfuysdg... This is all I can say. Aih aih aih~!

After that another question still stands.. Will my future be in Aussie? Or Malaysia? Furthermore... How bout him?... Still being human, how I wish I could c God's plans for me.


ReiRei

Although its not often that I come here and type anymore but at times like this when I really have no clue, it serves as a wonderful place for me to let everything out.

Is this the right step? Am I making the right decision? Why I can still question this?.... I can only say cause he is sooo different from the rest of the guys I've dated. And... I dunno. If I knew he was still in one even though he said its not gonna work out anymore, and still I saw all the happy pictures and dates, would I have still accepted him?

My heart is just heavy... Thinking.. Is it just his job to put me at ease? Or shud I play a part in making myself feel at ease too? Although he would compare with the other guys I've dated... And we agreed on not talking bout our exs/ex-admirers... Is it easy to let go of someone's past of ex-admirers than it is to let go of someone's past of exs? Or is it the same? I am happy with the future and present... But.... Just so so depressed and haunted with the past. And sometimes when I tot I'm thinking too much. Someone will tell me I'm not cause they feel anger on my behalf just hearing it. Yet... How can I say they are rite? Could they b angry cz they see me frustrated? Or r they genuinely angry coz it should be angry? He doesnt really seem to c it of something to b angry of, and his frens could b saying he is right.

If we wanna say wat does the heart say? Its still in the end based on feelings for this isnt it?

Although I dun wanna admit that it will be hard to get over and get on with life. Probably even harder for me to find another bf than he find a gf IF we happen to break... Bt I just dun wanna think bout it... Cz somehw almost everyone around me seem to think of it.. Hw can u face someone u shared a part of ur life with, while ur current partner is at ur side? I just dun get how people does it... Can u really bury all the painful and happy memories?

Its kinda sad cz if they say yes it will b easy to bury all the exs memories.. But when u bcome one of them... Haha... U will b part of the burying too..


ReiRei

Is Love Really Blind?

Probably a stupid thing to think now but sometimes with everyone asking me consistently and for the close friends who know the story, I myself cant answer why I accepted.

Some tell me I'm a fool for still believing or continuing the relationship. Some tells me they have no idea how I could still accept him for the things he's done. Unfortunate I guess for guys that it sometimes/most times seem like the girl is right.

Then not only that, both of us being from two different worlds or beliefs. Do you think this won't be a challenge? And why does he/i want to make his life so painful as my life has so much more restrictions compared to his?..

Being a Christian and he a pre-believer, its not easy or common to find a couple like this and happy yet the Christian is steady in his/her walk of faith. I want to share and ask how to approach this. Asking God on an answer for this is so hard as it seems like everyone has a feeling in this.. And how would I know if what they share is really from God and nt their feelings? The oni answer so far I can come up for that is time.


ReiRei

A Proper Kitchen

Somehow I really really miss my kitchen at home. REAL Home! EACH and Everytime I feel like I wanna experiment or do something special or don't just do a simple dish, I look around and see that there will be one or 2 equipment I don't have. And mostly? Its an oven. Aih..

How I miss making my cupcakes. I don't have the muffin tray here, n oven made it look like cakes.

How I miss baking and making desserts. I don't have pots and pans of different sizes. I don't have a rolling pin or food weigher.

How I miss making juices/smoothies/shakes. I don't have a blender.

How I miss making roasted food. I don't have a proper oven.

I would go on but its time to sleep. Oh how I miss these things. And looking through recipes make me feel all the more.. limited. Aih... Wat to do wat to do?

ReiRei

I Want An Oven!!!

Blah blah blah~ So things recently has been going quite upsie downsie. Then again, should have expected things to be like that especially with our different views and so on. But overcoming it makes it seem/feel like we've grown closer, or theres more problems ahead. But enough of that for now..

I WANT AN OVEN!!! How long does it take to roast 4 simple small potatoes??? 30min max?? Right? Right? Ugh!! And just when I thought this microwave oven is doing ok as a temporary/fan-forced oven... It totally ruined my brunch!! A meal which should take less than an hour to prepare, by right 30mins. Guess how long it took me just to get the potatoes ready? Just the potatoes..

Almost 2 HOURS!!! Then had to wait for chicken (2 and a half chicken breast) for another 45min. How ridiculous can that be????!!!! And you know how putting honey to get a golden crisp at the top of the chicken? Well this turned out slight yellow and that was it!! *hands showing "unbelievable"*

Ugh... No mood to roast anything in there anymore. I mean its great and faster that mom got me a pressure cooker. But I realized.. Its a lot more to wash and harder too! Considering that Aussie's basins are terribly/sadly SMALL. Normally you could wash  a pot without having to bump into the tap, but here is like u must carefully turn the pot to wash as to not bump into the tap. Aih...

ReiRei

Can I still hold my subtitle high? Even with the way I am?

Emotional, I am.

Through hurts I gave in.

I let myself get stepped on.

"Its not worth it" I told myself.

I drank myself drunk in tears.

Lord I know I gone far.

Lord I know I led myself astray.

To the curiosity I fell into.

To the words of man, I wanted to trust.

And though I told myself,

never again will I only look to You when I'm down.

But still right now,

After all these years,

I still cause you pain.

I still let you down.

Can I still say I'm sorry?

ReiRei

The Truth

Not knowing the truth, how wonderful life could be. Only to find that it was all but a dream.
I believe in your words, trust that you are not like them.
But looks like by accident I stumbled onto something I wished I never read.

Its always like this but this time through arguments. My heart cries out not wanting to believe in them.
I really don't wanna regret this. I really don't want it any lower than this..

Its not me.. Your heart breaks for her, your heart remembers her.. Its not me..
You been searching for her, through girls that are like her.. But they aren't her, are they..
I'm not her, am i.. Ask Suki? Ask your friends? How many more of your stories can I believe?

You were hurt when you saw? You were down in the pits when she broke your heart.
You tore everything in your path to show of your anger and frustration. And me?
I was just a small tiny part during that life, which boiled you but not enough..

Hah... Googie googie? What sweet love you still give, the attention you still pass...
Even when theres a "I miss you"...

Relationship what not.. To try here and there, why not?
As long as at the end of the day you get what you want, is that not?.......

Rach...

P.s
I should stop listening to the Phantom of the Opera =/

I'm Going Home

Yes I am going home but not permanently. Soon I can c everyone again! Somehow miss them more than I ever did. Will things be different? Will things work out? I have no idea. But what I wanna c is my sis getting back to her old self again. Its not right having a downcast sis. Sadly.. Yes sadly I miss her sudden anger, her "I can do it but u cant", her attitude and spunky-ness. Am learning some new dishes and treats. When I get back will make it for you guys!! C u c u c u soooon!! <3 Rei

Regrets? I hope not...

Shud have expect that the longer you are in a relationship, the tougher it gets of having someone else in your life. And somehw, blogging still makes me feel less tense of typing everything here. Arguments over small and big things also got. More frustrating is when each argument you have, one side feels this way is normal but to the other side it doesn't make sense. And no I am not talking about religion and morality. Although that prob could be applied but sometimes its frustrating when the simple reason he gives is "Thats the way I was brought up". Okay.. But I don't think that shud be the reason I have to accommodate to your needs is it? And you don't hear me say "Thats the way I was brought up". I mean come on, not everything should be done your way correct or not? Ugh.. N I KNEW that just coz I decided not to hang out with you while waiting for 2 hours just doing my work. U go get moody. Seriously?? Beginning it felt like if we do our own stuff it will b no problem. Recently its like if can do together, try to do everything together. And no I don't complain that we spend time together. But I complain that if either of us can't make it, DON'T SULK OR BE MOODY!! Goodness!! Its times like that or some random "don't-wanna-talk-anymore" mood that make me feel you would have prefer C. And when I think of that... UGH! The regrets which I don't wanna feel comes crawling in. And its those times I feel like screaming or shouting, what kind of promise are you keeping?? If you can think that thr is a problem with our relationship, if you think that sometimes you are the cause. Then for goodness try and change those parts which make me upset! Stop repeating them. Or at least do it in a way where both of us can accept. Don't use "Thats the way I been brought up" as an excuse coz the relationship will nid 2 ppl to mold and not one. If God wanna intervene then so be it. I guess sometimes there are things where we need someone who knows us more than we know each other to work things out. Rei

Stupid.. Plain idiotic-ly stupid.. Argh!! No idea why I'm so upset. Mad? Maybe mixture of sad and frustration? I seriously dunno. Screw it.. Got too many assignments to think about it anyway.

One thing I hate most is wishing me good things bitterly. Maybe I read it wrongly or what but.. If u wanna ask whats wrong, you dun go demanding wats wrong. Like.. Who the hell are you to tell me how to do?

Geez.. Attitude? Goodness.. Maybe been comfortable for too long. You don't understand, and you go demanding. My attitude? Check your own tone. Argh!!

我痛你都看不到。还敢讲我发脾气。。我本来不生气！！讲到这样我现在就火大！！开心了没？！！如果我现在觉得我们没希望的话，我现在就不管如果分手咯！ish... 真是气死我！！

ReiRei

Soo many things been happening!! Well, more like been just enjoying myself and hanging out with different groups of people.

Who knew things would turn out this way? Anyhow, had a wonderful bbq session as welcome to new members of ocf as well as to the old members returning from holidays. Studies have started and uni.. Is like.. Easy yet once start no idea. Not sure if its really dunno or just that I'm lacking behind.

Hm.. Maths is like.. mostly self learn I guess. The lecturer is not really teaching and online tests after online tests keeps coming in. What should I do???

Other than that, received many assignments d. So means no more playing time for the next 11 weeks. Saddddd....

As for sister, hope you are doing well and fine~!! I know jie isn't able to be back with u to kacau and take care of you but I'm sure God will watch over you better!! Trust and believe in your recovery so I shall do my best to do well here!!

Part of me feels bit different. Like wanting to take on a new change and new ways. How far can I go? Will I be able to succeed? How I wish and don't wish I could know the future and prep for it~

HAha!! Lets not go there. Well, gotta get back b4 bi gets back. Oh! Pot plant is gonna be 1 week old soon!! 3 weeks to budding~ Stay tuned~!!

ReiRei

Somehow I feel that this semester is gonna be different. And whether next sem will be like this I do not know. Friends are many, and its not like we r required to choose only one. I do not see how you can see it that way. Neither can I understand that its ok with you guys that you can have other groups but when I do it, you show as if I ditched you.

What the hell is with all the competing and comparing? Seriously! I'm just so pissed off at times that you do not change. Does it please you that someone is having it worse?

Goodness.. Sometimes it really makes you wonder.. Hang out with some people that can make you score awesome grades but suffer emotionally every now and then. Or get average grades but with people that care (I hope they honestly care =P) bout each other?

Ugh.. The pain in my throat is worsening. Pain like crazy.. Life was so fun the past few weeks and months. Don't want it to change just because of some painful things..

.Can I really trust and believe?.

ReiRei

Fuuuuuullllll.... Cooking for oneself can sometimes be hard.. Its like if theres a lil' bit left but you're full and you dun wanna waste it, so you force yourself to eat it. Then you get all uncomfortable.

Actually I dunno if its full or just tired. Haha! Well~ Today is the FIRST day of uni!! Wasnt a very good start I guess but not a bad ending either. Had a small quarrel then lecturer.. FIRST LECTURER of the day/week/month/uni kept saying "erm" more times than I can count. I think that its such a bad habit that I think he says it twice in one sentence! Not to mention being totally monotonous. Ah well..

After that had our first OCF meeting with Arabelle and Pattie~ Haha!! The day sure is gloomy and sad today. Keeps raining like theres no tomorrow! I guess Werribee's Zoo animals will be very happy to have their wells filled to the brim~ So will the rhinos and their muddy wet bath. Haha!!

Looks like things are going I guess the way it should be. Got myself involve a bit too much that I can quite feel the effect now. Feels bit sad but hey! Not the end of the world. Time to get my head focus on what should be done. And enjoy what this year is gonna bring.

BRING IT~

ReiRei

"Hm.. Not sure what I did but neck feels REALLY sore @@"

.A Hint of Doubt or Uncertainty in Your Eyes Makes Me Grow Cold.

Is it ok to date? Should I even try being involve or sharing my space with someone and get the risk of being hurt?

To trust someone other than yourself and family with your life matters. I dunno how people can see it as a small thing but to me its like a huge issue! Sometime it feels like being with someone is like inviting pain in the future. Its awesome if it works out, but disastrous if it doesn't. Friendships broken and sometimes the group that you hang out with becomes different.

I wanna focus on my studies and just enjoy happy singlehood for now. But then again.. Someone told me that its also good to at least try some dating in Uni instead of just hanging out alone at home or just girls.

Full of uncertainty fills my heart. And as I look at the faces, theres always expectancy. Would I change a lot if should get myself involve? Would it be for the better or worst? Would I build stronger ice walls or crumple down? Really don't like this uncertainty *scared* feeling...

ReiRei

Stop Lying To Yourself

Was it expectancy that I indulge myself in it? Was it knowing that following that way it would turn out that way that I chose it? Could it be any less obvious?

Question is.. Is it wat I wanted? Or was it just to prove to myself? All I know now is that perhaps I'm destroying something which is by right nice? Am I that bad to pretend its ok? Aih.. Guilt is creeping to me. And burying deeper makes me feel worst. Few more days then.. What should I do? Continue? Or bury myself in work so that hopefully time can continue its way on how it should be?

Some part of me somehow feels I should choose the last one than the first. Lies does make things sour especially when you started it yourself. Blech =) ...

Rach

So Annoying

My previous place at Micasa sure starting to seem like it wasnt worth it. Isnt it weird how in the present it seems alright and okay but once it has pass and in the future you realized "Ugh.. So worth it to make that choice to move". Well I'm having that dilemma now!

Its so irritating and frustrating. Before moving in, pictures and so on sounded really great. Sadly, upon reaching the room was not only REALLY dirty but cutleries, dustbin and etc was... sry to say, grossed out! You know dirt that are in water for really long becomes black right? And if let in a closed area with bits of air and moist area it gets REALLY smelly? Well, imagine that happened in the dustbin and some cupboard area.

Not enough, dishes and cutleries were stained, some were yellow and man.. Its like the previous tenant didn't even clean!! Carpets were full of fur and I have no idea wat. But learnt in the year there was a cat in the room too. Blech.. Explains wat I tot was sand I found.

My parents and I had to vacuum the whole place, and wash and clean as much as we can. As for cutleries... You could say I cleaned wat was needed for a maximum of 3 people and left the rest in a cupboard. As for cooking things.. My parents decided to buy our own.

Did you know my dad even took the initiative to clean the windows as much as he could?? Ugh.. Anyway, as long it was just to survive I don't feel like filing a complaint. But what annoyed me was them charging me $50++ cause I did not clean everything before I left. My question to myself was, if they r charging me, surely they charged the previous tenant. So WHY WASNT IT CLEAN WHEN I MOVED IN???????????? ROAR!! Dislike dislike dislike!! Worst part is I have no proof that I didnt use the stuff but if some were in my shoes, would you even use things for a YEAR if they grossed you out? And that no matter how much cleaning you did, it was never enough?

Hey guys, I'm not trying to down grade Micasa or anything. And it probably doesnt happen to everyone. And maybe I'm just unfortunate that the room I wanted happened to be like that so yea. Lesson, check the place out first, every crook and corner. And if takes a plane to get there, ask friends to snap REAL photos or all the best I wish you luck. Last thing, ask them if they charge you for cleaning later on. Its really unfair if they were suppose to clean and they charge you for it when it wasnt clean to begin with.

ReiRei

So Fast

3 days passed d without me noticing. And its gonna b the 16th in couple more hours!! Even amazing is that I gotta wake at 6am just to do my timetable!! Garh.. You would nvr see me do such a thing... But after hearing my fren say that she has been doing it always... Guess I shouldnt be surprise. Wan nice seats and nice timetable you gotta put in some effort.

More annoying thing that happened today was that.. I dun even noe how I burn my thumb! How did that happened?????? Ugh.. Still quizzing over it. But it was only while I was washing dishes that I accidently press my thumb and gave me a jolt. Hm... Also I shud hurry and sleep. Will wake up later in 7 hours just to do this.

Thinking pathetic stuff now. Shud slp. G'Nite!

ReiRei

I'm sore all over. Who knew that swimming alone would be even more tiring in just a short while than with a lot of people together.

*yawn* just finish my swim and was kinda nice. No one there except myself. Swam then went into the jacuzzi. Aaah~ Was about to have some shut eye when a guy walked in. Gave me a scare that once he left I went to get my stuff. Strange was that he stood outside the girls changing room. Darn.. So instead went into the sauna to wait out.

Felt kinda nice too being in the sauna while its still new and no one around. Lie there and nearly fell aslp when I realized I lied there for approx 15min (yes I brought my watch with me). Left the sauna and saw no one then quickly headed to the girls room to shower off and back to my room.

Hm.. its not even night yet so I either will nap or do something.. Should start applying lotion, skins all dry *yuck*. Am feeling thirsty too.. Must be due to the salt water. Gtg~

ReiRei

4 Days And Counting

4 more days to availability of creating my timetable for this sem. Who would ever thought I would be this eager to start uni again? Ah~ Then again, when each day after a long period you don't give an Asian something to do, they get restless. And restless would go two ways, doing things which can be stupid, reckless, unimportant, non-beneficial or anything as long as to fill their time. Or just be a lazy-couch-potato.

Which way do I swing? Hm.. Both ways but probably the 2nd one first till I realize I'm getting overweight. Haha!! Wont be a surprise if you eat the way I do and just sleep and watch movie all day.

Well, its still not easy trying to live alone when you've tasted and remembered how great it was to have company all the time. Then again, I don't think I should keep saying that cause its just gonna bring me down. So what I'll try to say is..

Faster graduate with good results and get a job!! Then take leave and do whatever I must. Hahahaha!!! Yes yes!! That would be the plan for now. Being successful can come later~ Just aim to be independent for now. Yep yep~ Hm.. Back to my show Shinkyoku Polyphonica! Hehe!!

ReiRei